Summary of The Courage To Be Disliked

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🔬 What is The Courage To Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi about?

The courage to be disliked talks about the importance of being true to oneself and pursuing one's own path, even if it means facing criticism or disapproval from others. The courage referred to here is the willingness to embrace one's own beliefs, choices, and individuality, regardless of societal expectations or the fear of being disliked.

🚀 The Courage to Be Disliked in 3 Sentences

By overcoming the fear of rejection from others and taking responsibility for oneself, an individual can be free from self-dislike and find true happiness.
This book invites readers to reflect on all the fears and behavioral implications of a shackled person, then break down each existing fact into a small discussion to elaborate on the reasons for each fear and how to overcome it.
Interpersonal relationships are the source of all problems. This book provides an explanation of why this happens, as well as providing many new perspectives so that readers can minimize the negative impacts of dealing with other people.

🎨 Impressions

"The Courage to Be Disliked" offers a profound philosophical exploration into the intricacies of personal freedom and genuine happiness. It presents a refreshing perspective on overcoming self-dislike and fear of judgment, providing practical insights through engaging Socratic dialogues. The book's emphasis on personal responsibility, combined with its accessible writing style, makes it a compelling guide for those seeking to transform their approach to relationships and live authentically.

👤 Who Should Read It?

People that feels no freedom in interpersonal relationship because they afraid to be disliked.
Everyone who want to be happy and find their true self without being afraid to be judged by others.
Perfectionists, For those who strive for perfection and may be overly concerned with how others perceive them.
People with Social Comparison Issues, The book delves into the importance of recognizing one's uniqueness and not comparing oneself to others.
People who find themselves paralyzed by indecision or are afraid of making choices due to external judgment can benefit from the book's teachings on personal responsibility and freedom.

☘️ How the Book Changed Me

How my life/behavior/thoughts/ideas have changed as a result of reading the book.

This book brought tons of realization for me. One of it, the book said "You were so afraid of interpersonal relationships that you came to dislike yourself. You've avoided interpersonal relationships by disliking yourself.". This quote hit me in the chest. I often make excuses to not joining an interpersonal relationship event like people talking in the office. Now I realized that this is bad, and I need courage to involved overcome this behavior.
"We need to think with the perspective of 'whose task is this?' and continually separate one's own tasks from other people's tasks.". This line is very powerful to me. I like to wear what is comfortable for me, like when I wearing sirwal, a short trouser that its leg opening hanging on top of my ankle. I often doubt to use it to my office, because Im afraid others would see me weird or pretending to be pious. Now I know, what Im afraid of is not my task. I can't prevent others to dislike my outfit; my task is to dress in a way that brings joy to my heart 😊.

✍️ My Top 3 Quotes from The Courage To Be Disliked

'No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.'

Your life is not something that someone gives you, but something you choose yourself, and you are the one who decides how you live.

'freedom is being disliked by other people'.

'The important thing is not what one is born with, but what use one makes of that equipment.'

🌟 My The Courage To Be Disliked Review

I rate it 8.5/10. I highly recommend reading it.

📒 The Courage To Be Disliked Summary

Trauma doesn't exist; Adler believes there is no so-called trauma. He said, "No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead, we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining."
- When a boy shuts himself in his room because he was bullied at school, Adler said it's not the bullying that causes the boy to hide, but hiding in the room is the goal, and being bullied is an excuse. The purpose of the boy shutting himself in the room might be to seek attention from his surroundings.
- Adler seeks the goal or purpose behind a person's behavior (teleology, the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon) rather than the origins of their psychological state (aetiology, the study of causation). He said, "People are not driven by past causes but move toward goals that they themselves set."
- You fabricate emotions. A student complains that she has a fear of blushing. She turns red whenever she's close to someone she has feelings for. Thus, she can't confess because she has this fear. In reality, she fears rejection, so she fabricated that fear of blushing as an excuse to not confess her feelings. She can live in the possibility that "If only I didn’t have that fear of blushing, I could’ve."
Deny the desire for recognition. Wishing so hard to be recognized will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be “this kind of person.” You throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives. Therefore, you should deny your desire for recognition. You’re not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, and other people aren’t living to satisfy your expectations.
Feelings of Inferiority Are Subjective Assumptions, and because they are subjective, it's up to us whether we should feel inferior or not. Feelings about your height are subjective and arise from comparing yourself with others. You would not care about your height or anything if you didn't engage in comparison.
- Comparison arises from interpersonal relationships. Adler stated that "All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems." If all interpersonal relationships were absent from this world, meaning if one were alone in the universe and all other people were gone, all manner of problems would disappear.
- Because inferiority is a subjective feeling, we can also perceive seemingly negative aspects about ourselves more positively. For instance, the philosopher in this book, despite having a short stature, feels grateful because his appearance isn't intimidating, creating a better environment for people taller than him.
Superiority complex: Individuals with a superiority complex act as if they're superior and are immersed in a fabricated feeling of superiority. They boast about past achievements and recount memories. Sometimes, inferiority and superiority complexes are combined, leading to bragging about one's misfortunes. By making themselves "special" through experiences of misfortune, they perpetuate the need for that misfortune.
Life is not a competition. The reason many people aren’t happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they’re living in competition. If you think of interpersonal relationships as competition, you perceive other people’s happiness as “my defeat,” and you can’t celebrate it. When you’re able to feel “people are my comrades,” your way of looking at the world will change.
- To not compete is to consider everyone as a comrade. When you are able to truly feel that 'people are my comrades,' your way of looking at the world will change utterly. No longer will you think of the world as a perilous place or be plagued by needless doubts; the world will appear before you as a safe and pleasant place. And your interpersonal relationship problems will decrease dramatically.
Don’t condemn or praise. When you praise, you’re unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship and seeing the other person as beneath you. It's as if you’re passing judgment from one person of ability to another person of no ability. You can convey words of gratitude instead. Saying thank you to this partner who has helped you with your work is a clear expression of gratitude. “This was a big help.” If receiving praise is what you’re after, you’ll have no choice but to adapt to that person’s yardstick and put your brakes on your own freedom. “Thank you,” on the other hand, is a clear expression of gratitude.
Embrace the courage to be normal. Whether striving for exceptional goodness or deliberate rebellion, the underlying aim is to stand out and gain others' attention. This desire often stems from an inability to accept one's ordinary self. Viewing life as a continuous journey towards a pinnacle may lead to dissatisfaction if the summit is not reached. The author said Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept one’s normal self.
Live in the present moment. Life should be seen as a collection of moments, each defined by the "now." Live in the present, as if dancing through life, finding fulfillment in each moment. Some may excel in their chosen dance, be it music or writing, while others might take unexpected paths. The essence lies in the dance itself, not in reaching a specific destination. Life is a series of moments, and dwelling on the past or future is irrelevant. Focus on the here and now, where the true richness of life unfolds.
- Don't be afraid to not achieve your goal. Just dance in the moment. Do what you can and want to do now. While dancing, you eventually change your position, and if the dance follows the path, you will end up reaching the goals. And if not, you've already danced with enjoyment.
Discard other people’s tasks. I think this is important part of this book. We need to think with the perspective of “whose task is this?” and separate our own tasks from other people’s tasks. This is called separation of tasks. There is a simple way to tell whose task it is. Think, who ultimately is going to receive the end result brought about by the choice that is made? For example, studying at school is the child’s task, not the parent's. The task owner is the one who will ultimately receive the result brought about by the choice.
- It's the same with the outfit that you wear to the office or an event. Your task is just to dress up as you want. What other people think about your outfit is not your task, and you shouldn't think of it.
Happiness is the feeling of contribution to something. People can only be truly aware of their worth when they are able to feel 'I am of use to someone'. However, it doesn't matter if the contribution one makes at such a time is without any visible form. It is enough to have the subjective sense of being of use to someone.